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the state of things 2008-08-22 4 5:45 p.m. i've hit a weird quandry today. it's a bizarre twilight zone-y type of place for me. i am both waiting for my life to begin, and terrifyingly overwhelmed at the prospect of it. see, i have no real job - i have spent the last 10 years of my life trying to figure out who i was career-wise and the most recent 3 years devoted to learning my chosen craft and slaving away for an entire year with no pay as sacrifice to my new life, and now when i should be rewarded with a job and a career and a fucking life... i have nothing. i spent the last six months sending out over 30 application packets documenting my uniqueness and passion, and i spent the last 3 months waiting for the phone to ring. i got two interviews and zero callbacks. i spent the summer waiting for my life to start. biding my time - and my finances - naively and foolishly expecting september to bring about a new era - one where i would have a salary and benefits and enough money to do things like re-find my hobbies and get a new feline friend - things i was desperately wanting and eagerly awaiting. but now sept is practically here and i have to face the grim reality that i have finally found a career i love, yet there are no jobs for me. my head can barely fathom this. i have worked so hard and now i'm screwed due to crappy economic times and a crazy boon in my industry. i talked with one lady on a hiring committee for a position i had applied for and she said there were 175 applicants for the job - one hundred and seventy five - fuck. i have never been good with competition. but however slim an opportunity did appear - a temporary position at my old internship school opened up as the counselor i worked for is taking the vacant asst principal spot, nicely leaving his counseling seat open for maybe a month or so while they go through the interview and hire process. so i'm jumping into that. it pays nothing but a substitute teacher rate - slightly higher because i have my fancy MS paper in hand, but still a sub pay - no benefits and no contract, meaning i could lose my income any day they choose. a lovely feature that works oh-so-well with my vapid need for control and certainty and wanting my future planned out to a T. and i am more in debt than i have ever been in my life. this is perhaps what terrifies me most. i have never watched my bank account decrease so rapidly with so few dollars coming in as i have these last few months. i thought i had planned well - budgeted myself out so that i could survive until the end of august - and i did - but now i must continue to survive, and without the beautiful meaty paycheck i expected to have for a whole school year. my options are ridiculous and un-well-thought-out, but i just can't bear to ponder them for more than brief moments at a time, due to a sense of overwhelming...overwhelmness that crawls over me. i am so pissed at myself and the state of things that seal my lack of a school counseling position. i am so sad and angry that i'll have to wait a whole year to go through this process again. i feel like the uttermost failure i have ever been in my life. and i have had a lot of failure. so i can take this temp job, work nights and weekends at some crappy retail thing to make ends meet; or i could buckle down and go to corporate world after this temp thing ends, make some money, start to make a dent in the job that will be my student loan repayment plan that kicks in about november (fantastic fucking month too - probably just a little bit after i lose my job and a little bit before the biggest buying holiday ever...sigh...); or i could go back to day care and move out of my current place or debt-hole as i'm calling it lately; or i could... just put off thinking about it again, cause i fucking hate to think about the shreds of my life these days. previous - next