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there's something in here 2007-03-08 4 11:14 p.m. i do not feel well at all these last few days, and i don't mean physically. emotionally i'm just beat up. mentally i'm just drained. my body keeps creating pains that have no physical cause. i feel fucking overwhelmed. i feel like i can't do this. any of this. in my therapy session today i came to the realization that the theme for my life thus far is 'disconnected'. in so many fucking ways i have unplugged from things. my head has disconnected from my body so i don't have to feel anything. my body disconnected from my environment so i can ignore things. my self disconnected from others so i won't be vulnerable or open. my sense of spirituality seperated from that sense of universal interconnectedness so i can keep my holy grail of control intact. how the hell i plug back in, i just don't know. i feel like i'm not making sense anymore. ha. and nothing wigs my mind out more than that. here's a rambling mish mosh i wrote yesterday: i mailed my best friend's birthday present today. seeing as her bday is coming up in a few days, i know mine is exactly a month and a few days away. we'll both be 29. it's not just this fact that's led me to pondering my life lately, but it sure doesn't help. and i've started to notice that it's when my life is ripely sucking that i tend to be one of those lame ducks who's stuck in the past, glued to the glory days, constantly remembering fond images of cooler times: driving by the old building that used to be a video store i worked at in high school where i got the chance to hang out with one of my many crushes, a lanky short drummer guy a couple years younger than me. seeing the airport and remembering my one and only trip abroad with my two friends since childhood, not the best of trips, but a lifetime building one. catching a glimpse of a city on a television show, and remembering strutting around new york city when i was an empowered haughty native there. hearing that old u2 song 'hold me thrill me kiss me kill me' and remembering seeing whatever batman movie it was that had that song with a group of high school friends and just laughing and being happy all night long. granted, my brain still gives me flashes of the future as well - that illusive future that's stuck in a misty bank of fog, but every once in a while i can see myself in my own apartment, padding around my kitchen, hanging my pretty little things on the walls. but it feels like those flashes are few and far between these days. all i see is the past cause i used to have it good, i used to have good times, good friends, good memories. now all i see is intertia, doom and gloom, solitary. ever heard this song? mellow and melancholy all drifting along. it's called the blues by switchfoot. "is this the new year, or just another night? is this the new fear, or just another fright? is this the new tear, or just another desperation? is this the finger, or just another fist? is the kingdom, or just a hit and miss? i've missed direction, most in all this desperation, is this what they call freedom? is this what you call pain? is this what they call discontented fame? it'll be a day like this one when the world caves in... you push until you're shoving, you bend until you break, do you stand on the broken fields where your fathers lay? it'll be a day like this one when the world caves in... there's nothing here worth saving, there's no one here at all, is there a net left that could break our fall? it'll be a day like this one when the sky falls down, and the hungry and poor and desserted are found; are you discontented? have you been pushing hard? have you been throwing down this broken house of cards? it'll be a day like this one, when the world caves in, is there nothing left now? nothing left to sing? are there any left now who haven't kissed the enemy? does justice ever find you? do the wicked ever lose? is there any other song, to sing beside these blues? and nothing is okay, when the world caves in..." i know i make no sense. previous - next