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selfish, at a time like this 2007-03-29 4 11:05 p.m. not to make it sound that i'm making light of the situation at all, but there is a fucking cancer cloud hanging over our house and it's freaking me the fuck out. it started with my stepfather's early stage prostate cancer diagnosis. he's scheduled for surgery on april 24. recovery time: 6-8 weeks. it seems to be a straight-forward type of cancer - remove the prostrate, then all should be good - however concerning his red flag health warnings of everything from diabetes to high blood pressure, chances of complications could be great. then came my cat's diagnosis of terminal cancer of the spleen. my decision to not put her through a painful splenectomy just to gain a potential extra year has been reinforced seeing her happy and active lately, yet i know her time is dwindling and will soon, abruptly, end. now my mother completes the trifecta and is diagnosed with low grade uterine cancer. she's aiming to have a hysterectomy scheduled for next week. recovery time: 4-6 weeks, with radiation and other treatments after that. her surgery looks equally straight forward, yet they're uncertain whether it's spread or not. her situation terrifies me to an extra level over my stepfather - for one, it's my mother, the one woman whom i am most alike and most connected to and most dependent on, and second for the notion that cancer can be genetic and that this could be my fate as well. the one potential positive is that in both cases, the organ to be removed is something, technically, a human can do without, like tonsils or an appendix, and which two people at their age (60s) don't really even need, as they have no urge for further children. however both things being removed are high gender identifiers - a woman is her womb, a man is his machismo - and i fear psychologically, these could be deep blows. my mother, stepfather and i have talked about wills, and power of attorney, and legal tidbits such as this, especially lately with my stepfather's surgery being scheduled, but i always pictured the need for it as some huge hypothetical or way in the future, as if i might have to decide when they're in their 90s and far into senility when i was much older and much more mature. it terrifies me to think i might face these types of crises at 28 (well 29 in a few weeks time, oh that'll help). i have readily accepted i'll be nursemaid and servant for the next two or three months of my life and i'll gladly fall back into that caretaker role i do so well, but i don't think i could handle the role of state executor, having serious life and death issues in my hands. the idea that something could potentially go seriously wrong in either surgery freaks me way the hell out. and yet selfishly all i can think is - should we get the water tested? or is cancer floating through our air filters? am i next? cause there's nobody else left in this household to strike down. or even more selfishly, will i become like diane keaton in 'marvin's room', confined to a life of parent care while everyone else goes off to have a life, and i put mine indefinitely on hold, and then never get back around to it and end up sick and dying myself? previous - next