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never go down again dland 2007-05-07 4 1:54 p.m. ah! i can't believe it - diaryland is back up and running! i have no idea if it was my ridiculously slow pc or the mysterious "server updating" that was only supposed to go on "for a few hours" but i have been unable to post for about a week, and it's been killing me. cause so much is happening. and writing it all down is what helps me settle it all in my own head. and damn diaryland for not letting me have my fix. so the parent patients are healing. not damn fast enough for my liking, but i've started to just cut them off of nurse-aprilly services anyhow. they're adults and they can both walk now - i shouldn't have to continue to wait on them hand and foot. (and yea, a month of doing that has left me kinda pissy and bitter, can ya tell?) but i am happy and relieved to say the results of the surgeries are pretty optimistic overall. both cancers - my stepfather's prostate and my mother's endometrial uterine - were contained to those organs and now that they're removed, my stepfather should be great (except for the whole relearning how to use the bathroom) and my mother has about an 80% survival rate. so...big sigh... we dodged some gigundo bullets i think. perhaps not ones we could have seen coming in our logical minds, but in the spiritual sense, i think the forecast has been saying this for years maybe. cancer is about a lack of boundaries, about cells growing without bounds to where they should be, and my family has a severe problem with figuring out where lines should be. my biggest philosophical dilemma is now - what's the difference between boundaries and walls? i feel i might be great at the latter and falling into the same family trap with the former. and then there's the unexpected joy of something else, someone else. i wrote this entry after two days after "the day": ironically i can only refer again to this entry because you're driving me crazy again. i can't get you out of my head and my head has a billion other things it should be focusing on, but it just doesn't want to now. all it wants to do is think about you - being with you that way, the shock of it, the pleasure of it, the giddy unexpectedness of it all. and all it can think about is seeing you again. driving home from school, i often find myself glancing down the street that would take me to your doorstep, and wanting to turn down it so badly. if i weren't harboring this lovely cold, i fear i wouldn't hesitate. and then perhaps i'd overwhelm you. be there too much. want too much. need too much. and so that's what i was feeling. and things have progressed even a bit more since then. and i'm trying so hard not to let my crazy brain overanalyze. cause, damn, does the bitch love to do that, ha. and i don't want to kill this...whatever... with thoughts, when really it has nothing to do with that. it has to do with feelings and bodies and hearts i think. so i won't try to label this blossoming thing, because labeling something by its very definition strips that something of its nuances and complexes. and maybe like a beautiful landscape, i can just admire it for what it is, and not think about all it entails. previous - next