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i am a rat not fleeing the sinking ship 2007-05-10 4 10:00 p.m. so physically, i'm finally fine. barely a sniffle left. mentally and emotionally, however, i've been better. these last two weeks of the semester are grinding me down, man. and there's just nothing left to grind (well ha, there is, there most definitely is, but not in that bad sense). i have a huge fear of getting a C in my assessment and appraisals course. if i get a C, i have to retake the course, because i can't graduate with anything less than a B in any class. this fucking pisses me off, because it is not due to lack of effort on my part that i have this grade. my professor, nice lady tho she is, is fucking clueless in this class. she really can't teach this stuff *at* *all*. i don't want to, and i'm not sure i'm physically capable of it - but i will drag out the whole 'both of my parents have cancer, please don't give me a C, i've had a rough month' excuse if i bomb the final. and the cancer drama continues. my mother's diagnosis mysteriously took a turn for the worse - either that or she's been bullshitting all of us for the last two weeks - which is certainly a feasible option. a year's worth of chemotherapy will be more than this family could take. honestly. our dysfunction would just not allow it. when i first heard this 'new' news, i immediately wondered if there was a nice place to set up a cardboard box in town, cause i can't hang around this house any longer. my energy physically can't survive it. and yet the overwhelming guilt i would feel in leaving the queen in her hour of need is just mind melting. in yet other news, my body is currently enjoying the ride. my mind is chomping at the bit to give this all a name. to give it a pretty label and a cozy box that i can categorize and understand logistically and logically. i am fighting my mind. previous - next