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not the night of my mind i guess i just have pictures in my mind of how things are gonna be. and then i'm disappointed when they don't go how i see them going. goddamn expectations. i can't just go with the flow - i have to expect something - and nobody's a mindreader so how can i be so bummed when my picture doesn't get manifested? i guess i'm just used to things a certain way, i've experienced things in that way - not that that way is a correct one - but it's just the one i'm used to, and so when something is completely opposite i feel all out of wack. and then it makes me doubt things - if it's so different, and i feel so weird, is this really a good thing? is this working? i just wanted to be physically close with him tonight. i was thinking just sitting on his porch, talking about our lives, watching the stars, being together - that was our night in my mind. instead we watched a national geographic show and got into an animated debate about the big bang theory. how the hell did that happen? and before it even got into the animated 'let's move away from each other on the couch' stage, i was thinking to myself, i could just kiss him and distract him and we wouldn't have to talk about this, and that just makes me feel bad to even admit because it's like i'm completely diminishing his interests, and i don't want to do that, but sometimes i truly just don't get where he's coming from, and...gah. i just wish we had more in common. i wish we were more in sync at times. and i'm trying like hell not to let this snowball out of control in my mind. |