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slip sliding away, into depression 2007-08-16 4 11:05 p.m. so time moves the fuck on, eh? my best friend of high school (and the star of wedding drama #1 written about on this page) is pregnant. the girl who's 3 months younger than me and eons away from any maternal instinct. and she's married to a man akin to the terminator in terms of emotion or expression. yea, i'm thinking i should set up a therapy fund for the poor kid right now. and jesus, are we supposed to be having babies at 29? fuck, i didn't get that memo. and in even more dark news, i'm hyper-aware of the fact that time is running short for my sweet feline friend. both the vet and the oncology specialist gave her between 3 and 6 months from her tumor diagnosis. august marks the sixth month. to think i could lose her uncompromising affection any time soon just steals all the air from my lungs. it's like the ebb and flow of things, to gain something, to lose it, it's an ugly circle i keep going around. i saw my friend beth tonight, ever so briefly, for the first time in maybe a year since she moved to jersey. seeing her i am conscious of so much of life speeding by, and all of us powerless to stop it. she has what i would consider to be a pretty stable and acheived lifestyle - the great husband, pretty townhouse, cute dog, and passionate career - yet she is as confused and listless and path-worried as we all are. dammit, does it ever get any easier? or are we always just searching and reaching and pining for infinity? i'm reading a new book - how to be an adult in relationships - ha, which god and most everyone knows i need - but there are these lines which are standing out in my head: "what we do not change, we choose." "childhood needs turn out to be the same needs we have in adult intimacy." "find the holes in yourself, the places where the five a's (attention, acceptance, allowing freedom, appreciation, and affection) have been unfulfilled... make a commitment to climb into these scary craters and sit in them on your own, with no attempt to fill them... alice, by herself , followed the white rabbit into a hole that led to the parts of herself that were scary and confusing, and completed a hero's journey." i don't know they all fit together, but they do. i can't even articulate what's going on in my brain these days. one second i feel like i've got it all figured out, the next i'm a blubbering mess on the floor. in exactly two weeks i start my internship. the dry run for the rest of my life, sort to speak. and i'm not sure i have anything left to give. previous - next