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gumming up the works 2007-10-19 4 5:09 p.m. things are finally starting to change... the leaves at least - if not me, as much. they say it's because of the rain - it's finally come and now the leaves can reclaim their red and orange blazes before they fall to the ground. it's so much better to see the myriad colors of autumn, instead of just yellow or brown. it's funny how the rain makes me happy every once in a while. today it just makes me feel like i'm being washed clean and given a new slate. i'm trying to find little things to be grateful for every day, no matter how far fetched or not related to my ordinary life. -- i saw a male-to-female transvestite working at kohls - sweet woman - and it made me happy there's some diversity out there in my town. -- i had my first serious issue at work - a self-injurer - a sweet girl who was cutting her wrists with a kitchen knife - and i was grateful to be able to talk with her for a bit, even about something as seemingly inconsequential as her pets, just to see her smile, just to see her try to ground and reconnect herself. -- i'm still working on my own reconnecting, trying to link up my brain with my body, trying to give my body some more power, trying to have faith in what she feels. -- i'm finally feeling better, health-wise. the moments when i'm less than stellar, i'm inches away from ripping my gall bladder out, but when i feel okay, i slow down enough to care for my body and think about the options. -- i'm trying to keep my sister's words of advice in my head - to be curious about pain instead of angry or fearful of it. i think that applies to physical pain as well as the emotional. -- i'm trying to remember my career counselor's words of wisdom about fear - that it's only (f)alse (e)vidence (a)ppearing (r)eal - cause while my head does a bang up job of making that image look terrifyingly valid and possible, it isn't all that and my body knows it, i just have to work on not letting my mind trip me up. like my grandfather says, it's gumming up the works. previous - next