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winds of smoky change 2007-12-23 4 11:15 p.m. there's a weird 52 degree wind blowing out there, shoving wispy fog across the snow banks and making me think of mary poppins having to leave when the wind changes at the end of the movie. things are changing. seriously this time. i'm moving out at the end of this week. by new year's eve, i'll be all by myself. it's a pretty cute little place in unionville - the second story of somebody's house basically. i clearly can't afford it, but i'm doing it anyhow. i could make lists upon lists of how beneficial this is gonna be for me: my commute to work is now gonna be awesome; if there's a mess around, it's gonna be just my mess not 25 years of accumulated crap; i'm gonna have a fridge full of my own food which'll be there whenever i want it; i no longer have to check in with the parentals every hour on the hour like a truant teenager; i'll be able to invite over anybody i want to, whenever i want to; i can finally keep my own schedule, actually being able to utilize my 11pm second wind. see, parts of my mind can make these greatly positive lists all day long. but other parts of my mind can't see any of those. all those parts can do is freak the fuck out whenever i get an idle minute to stop and slow down and think during these hectic holiday days - when i'm lying in bed trying to crash, when i'm in the shower in the morning, etc. then all i see are these horrible worst case scenario ideals and i'm plagued by this overwhelming sense of fear, and anxiety, and doom, and incompetence, and loneliness. that last one is perhaps what i fear the most. there is only one thing i am clear on lately, and that is that i don't want to be alone. but i'm aiming to use my anger to keep the fear away. ironically that emotion that i used to squash so completely, i'm gonna let have free reign now, cause it was the catalyst behind these changes. i've been so angry lately about who i am, how i define myself, these flaws i see in me. so i need this time, this spring semester, these 7 or 8 months to really focus on myself. to stop defining myself by who i am in relation to other people. to finally stop hiding from who i can be. previous - next