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grover-filled future 2008-03-16 4 2:29 p.m. i think fear is holding my body immobile. fear or just general exhaustion mixed with laziness - i really can't tell. i just wish i could get done what i need to get done. my capstone thesis project is not gonna tape and write itself. the 8 or so jobs i found in the paper will not magically be applied to by osmosis as i just sit here and think about them. these are big fucking things and i can't get my body to move. i still have reminders of my cat everywhere. her food dish, her litter box, i just can't move myself to toss or box them up. this infection messing with my system is one less thing i needed on my already depressed and achy body platter. i still feel like i know how to please everyone, yet no clue how to please myself. i am putting so much fucking work into so many other people, and zero into myself. i know that sounds bitchy and selfish but really, it's just sad. the things i need to be doing, i have no motivation for - it's like i've put myself second - to myself. like if i, in clone form, came up to me, i'd look at her and say 'eh, she's not worth it right now - i'll get around to what she wants later.' how messed up is my brain? but i think i really am just subconsciously overwhelmed with fear. if i don't do these things, the scary unknown future won't come any closer - ridiculous logic i know - but fear makes insanity seemed ordered. it's like that kid's book with grover - the one about the monster at the end of the book - and grover gets all scared knowing there's a monster at the end so he tries to get the reader to stop reading, to quit turning the pages, to not reach the end, and he does all these crazy things like try to tie the pages together and brick them all up and then you get to the end and the monster there is just lovable furry old grover. i know there's just gonna be a cute wonderful 'ole future for me in five months' time, but right now all i hear is 'monster.' and i'm scared. my 30th birthday is a little less than a month away, my capstone is due in exactly a month and a day, my internship winds up in 3.5 months, and a new job will hopefully magically - no effort-fully - appear within 3-5 months. and then i'll be new aprilly all over again. previous - next