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temper tantrum time 2008-04-08 4 11:16 p.m. i fucking hate my birthday month. my day of birth in particular is always a bastard. at least the last three years worth. i've spent each one in a hospital of some sort. but even before that... i realized tonight that i've never truly had a *good* birthday. if that sounds self-indulgent and temper-tantrum-ish, so be it. but things have just never fucking gone right for me around the time of my birth. it's like the stars all align once again just to fuck with me. i'm not quite sure why i was expecting this year to be any different... because it was a big milestone? because i felt like things were changing for me? that i was evolving? i have no idea, but a small little nugget of hope was starting in my chest without me even realizing it, and now it's just been unceremoniously smashed. just once, i'd like to want for something, and have it given to me - freely, without any hesitation. i'd just like a need of mine to be met. just once, i'd like an idea of mine to be met with unhesitating support and enthusiasm. for someone else to jump on board without pause and bolster me up. just once, i'd like to look forward to something, one happy thing, and not have a hundred fucking other things bust in and smash all hope to bits. i've never had no crises in my life. i move from drama to drama these days. no down time, no pause in between to catch my breath. just running from disaster to disaster, hoping to catch up, to get things to calm down, to feel at peace even for a second, but i never will. do you know how horrible a feeling that is? previous - next