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"i need rescue, i think i'm fading fast" 2008-06-18 4 10:18 p.m. my future looms like a big black whole, waiting, lurking, ready to suck me in. it has already begun. yesterday was the students' last day. it was hectic, rushed, a rambling day that ended too soon, and without notice really. walking back into a practically deserted school this morning, it began to sink in. not having to go back tomorrow and then recognizing i only have a handful more potential hours on friday in the school i've spent the last 30-some weeks of my life, it is beginning to be hardcore. i am one of those people who defines myself by what i do, who my friends think i am, what my family calls me, the hobbies i have and the company i keep, etc. etc. basically i am defined by everything except by what i define myself as. i am aware of this flaw. usually i am too enmeshed in the chaos of my day-to-day to note its mere existence, nevermind ponder its ramifications... yet there comes a time when i have the dreaded 'free time'. i do not do well with free time. being anything less than ridiculously overpacked schedule-wise is not comfy for me. and i hypothesize that it is directly linked to this flaw. when i have free time, i have nothing to define me - and there is no feeling quite as crappy to me as being border-less and un-labelled, odd as that sounds. but this is what i am faced with. a summer of potential temp work, potential job interviews, potential time with friends near and far who i have not seen in quite some time, potentially a new job, potentially not. all that is just potential. which means i have an unspecified amount of time which i must use for my own purposes, my own advancement, my own joy. and i fear i've forgotten how to do that. i've been worrying lately over the idea that i've lost all the hobbies i once had - i used to write fiction all the time, used to dance, used to swim, used to do theater, used to play games. all these things i've lost touch with so much i can barely recount and list them. so what does a girl do with free time when she can't remember who she is? i'm terrified to have to tackle this in the coming months. "lend me your ear and i'll tell you about the things i fear, baby open your heart and i'll tell you why i'm torn apart, maybe lend me your car and we'll go chase down a falling star give me your hand cause it takes that fire to understand when was the last time you felt high, you were the best i ever felt CAUSE I DON'T NEED YOU TO FIX ME, I JUST WANT YOU TO LISTEN..." (sister hazel) previous - next