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nothing, nothing, nothing 2008-09-29 4 5:37 p.m. of all the pennies i've pinched and things i've forgone lately in order to stay afloat financially, i miss my therapist the most. even over the dinners out and the social fun times i've eliminated, i seriously miss my bi-monthly therapy times. these consistent sanity check-ins, or insanity progress checks as it were, were what kept me moving somewhat smoothly along my bumpy path. without them, i am not too proud to admit - i am a fucking mess. i have put everything on hold. i have disassociated from everything. i have no idea what i want, which prevents me from being able to make any decisions. i have caught every whim of disease that has floated by me in the handful of weeks since school has begun. my body and mind are so fucking against me right now, i couldn't hear them if they used bullhorns to communicate with me. and i just wanna quit being so upset with myself. underneath this disassociated 'i can't deal with anything right now' is this huge layer of disgust at myself. i'm not doing anything that i need to be doing, nothing i should be doing, none of what i could be doing. nothing good, nothing important, nothing useful. i'm not taking care of myself, my life, my career, nothing. and the biggest fucking issue is: i can't figure out what i want. how do you not know what you want?? that's the one thing that's usually the easiest to define - it's the how you're going to get it that normally eludes - the what is never a problem. but for me, all of a sudden, it is. what do i want for my life right now? this pseudo-life where job, and place, and station are on hold? god i miss my shrink. previous - next