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plagued by nightmares 2008-11-05 4 4:28 p.m. i just wanna throw myself on the ground and have a good ole kid-like temper tantrum, pounding my fists and crying and screaming "it's not fair!!" cause godfuckingshit it isn't fair! i have paid my dues. i have put in my time. i have solved the unsolveable. i should be getting my sweet reward right now, not getting more mud kicked in my face. after 10 years of searching and crawling and scratching and trying not to drown, i have found not only the career i love, but a place where i adore doing it... and now it's going to be ripped away from me. and i'm gonna be back to square fucking one - again. it's not fair. why is this hard? this part was supposed to be easy. the figuring out what i wanted to do was difficult - 10 years of tries and misses; then the dedicating myself to my new career - that was agonizing - years of hard work and then a year of no-pay... i really thought i had put the hard parts behind me. but now i wait to find out tomorrow if my sweet beautiful temporary position will abruptly end in about two weeks. and it's not even the horrible financial situation i'll find myself in being completely unemployed right before thanksgiving and christmas, although that definitely terrifies me to my bones - it's the nightmarish concept of knowing maybe i should just admit defeat and go get "a real job" - and doing that maybe never knowing if i'm resigning myself to a lifetime of that just because i get comfortable there and never leave. so for tonight, i curl up into a nice cozy fetal position and bemoan my situation. i don't want to talk, i don't want to problem solve or brainstorm or rationalize. i just wanna mourn the death of this...whatever it is. yet in my head, i hear the amazing speech of our fantastic new president... did you hear this part? did you hear this gem? it will become my new motto.... "WHILE WE BREATHE, WE HOPE." previous - next