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he's gone 2008-12-08 4 2:45 p.m. my stepdad died. there's no other way to intro that. no clever line to say or quirky story to relate it. it's just that blunt. he was 65 and died of some sort of stroke that took him so fast he didn't even have time to call out to my mother in the next room or my stepbrother who was on the phone with him at the time. that friday evening, i rushed to the hospital er to see my mother and stepbrother and wife standing around his soul-less body on a gurney and hospital bed. so instead of a thanksgiving in true grateful form of food and family, my mother, sister, two stepbrothers and i spent it in funeral homes, graveyards, choosing headstones and flower arrangements and talking to family members we had barely called family. he was cremated and we had a memorial service on wed night, the burial on friday morning, and in between that a holiday of thanks on thursday. that was the day i lost it. when my mother's cousin and son tried to help out and cook us the big turkey and potatoes and whole shebang, that is when i couldn't handle it all. my stepdad loved thanksgiving and i loved that day when i got to cook for him. that day i wished most of all that i would wake up from the nightmare soon. but it's been over two weeks and i am still enmeshed in it. i am struggling most with the vision of him in that hospital for the last time. i believe when we all die, our souls are freed from our bodies, our energies return to to the air and the earth and we become part of everything once again. that sight of him has locked me in the logical most fundamental part of my brain - all that part of my brain sees is the dead body, the end of life, the ugly terrible finality of it - his clothes all shredded and cut from the paramedics, his skin mottled and violet from the stroke, his mouth open as if he might speak. this holds me back from truly accepting his presence back into the cosmos, surrounding and influencing everything again. i trudge on, merely trying to live now, to see in my life some proof that he lived, that his energy is still around, and trying to enact some change in my own life so he might be proud of me. previous - next