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this muck-filled path i'm trudging 2009-01-02 4 11:40 p.m. i am so tired of instability. all i wanna feel is some fucking stable ground under my feet. all i want is to be able to turn around without the fear of getting punched in the face around every corner. i am so tired of being dealt these blows, of not knowing what direction it'll come from next, what thing will be yanked out from under me when i'm next not paying attention. my family is disintegrating without my stepfather. what's worse is i have a lot of apathy towards that fact. my sister is unraveling, my mother becoming more needy. however, where i used to step in and be the dutiful one who takes care of all others, i've now become the selfish one. i am no longer willing to give up my life for others and i feel myself distancing more and more. there are many many days where i feel i could drive away and never see these people again. my mother's disorder has been in prime form lately, but i refuse to give her my life just because she lost hers. call me the callous daughter - i know how it sounds - but i've spent my life worrying about my mother. and i worry about her still, yet the anger towards her is winning the race to my head. she has made so many peoples' lives miserable - my stepdad's included - that i find it hard to feel any warm emotions toward her these days. i really just wish i knew if i was doing anything right. living in this tenuous life i've got going, i really have no clue. it's like so many things are right at the edge of my fingertips - i can feel their solidity just beyond my grasp - but they're impossible to get ahold of. my career - this new job i'm set to start on monday, my relationships - the steps forward i want to take, this insane limbo stage i'm in in every area of living - i just want to know what to do. i want to feel some certainty, some knowledge that the way i trudge will lead to better days. because right now all i see is the muck under my feet. previous - next