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i fear i have nothing to give 2009-01-15 4 10:23 p.m. i keep myself busy. oddly enough. the new job. moving swiftly from work to errands to visits to bed. but when i have a silent night to myself, it all breaks down. i really have not dealt with things at all. i have pushed it all down, denied its very presence until it starts leaking out into my life. the things i could handle with aplomb before - the things i thrived at - now seem too much for me. i can't handle the new job. i can barely bear to listen to inane 8th grade students babbling on about their sexual escapades and hoodlum friends. i want to scream at them about the fragility of life, yet i am my own biggest hypocrite, plodding on as if nothing has happened, as if i'm not on the same exact path. i have made no monumental changes. i have not altered my life. i can't get energy back. i spend days and hours off slug-like around my apartment, waiting for something to change. i am always waiting. instead of doing something, i sit in limbo. it is my home these days - yet i hate it with every fiber of my being. i have single-mindedly merely been trying to survive - how do i thrive again? how do i live life when i see death around every corner? i wish i wasn't so tired... previous - next