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broken all the way down 2009-03-07 4 3:52 p.m. it is the first real spring-like day after the winter's excessively long months. i've been looking forward to this day all week, knowing it was coming, wanting to get outside again - finally. and i've not been outside once. instead i sit inside, listening to music, staring at the ceiling, fighting the sadness and tears i can't seem to get rid of. i've had too many of these bad days. perhaps my whole family is predisposed to mental illnesses - borderline personalities, diagnosible depression, a laundry list of physical ailments - perhaps i knew it was only a matter of time. tick-tock, as titus would say, crazy's coming. i just cannot pull myself out of this. some days i feel like i'm handling it. some days i even feel like i've starting making some decisions which may alter my path. but inevitably the darkness comes back, and with it the despair and the hopelessness. i just don't know what to do - and that is the most crushing knowledge of all. "when the shit falls all you wanna do is run away and hide all by yourself, when you're far from me, there's nothing else..." "i wish i didn't have to make all those mistakes and be wise, please try to be patient and know that i'm still learning, i'm sorry that you have to see the strength inside me burning, where are you my angel now? don't you see me crying, and i know that you can't do it all but you can't say i'm not trying..." "you have broken me all the way down, down upon my knees, you have broken me all the way now, you'll be the last you see..." "part of me has died and won't return, and part of me wants to hide, the part that's burned, hear the sirens call me home, part of me has vied to watch it burn, and the heart of me has tried but look what it's become..." (all from the movie soundtrack to "once") previous - next