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uncertainly certain 2009-03-31 4 5:32 p.m. "i want to remember how it used to be when i knew the sharks that were in my sea..." "there may be rocks in the water but still the river flows when the sea gets so rough, you bring it all back home you give me reason to beat it, reason to make it through there may be permanent detractors, some i used to know there may be imminent danger, road blocks and avalanche snow you give me reason to be better, you give something new you give hope and you give yourself, what else can you do? this is the skin i'm in..." (bits of gavin rossdale's latest album - loving it) that captures it so beautifully. i'm crawling around like bugs under this skin i'm in cause it's so foreign, so weird, so unknown. i used to know all the sharks in my sea - all the nasty fallbacks i had - all the bad traits and triggers - now i'm floundering around with no clue what's going to jump up and bite me next. i have no idea who i am now. i'm identity-less. and terrified. my therapist calls it a time of preparation, a building of new foundations, a new opportunity for growth. i am trying so hard to be okay with the uncertain and to work hard to take this new aprilly down good and progressive paths. but it's a lot of work and who knows if i'm up for the effort. ironically i got in one of my daily inspire-get-up-and-do-it type of emails this whole article about getting used to uncertainty. it said: "uncertainty provides an opportunity to stop, check in and make powerful choices to clear away what's no longer true. as we become comfortable with uncertainty we can have more clarity about how we want our life to be. there is comfort in feeling empowered when security may be slipping away, especially if your identity is tied to it. in the face of the unknown, most of us contract, seize up and imagine the worst. from this stressful place, logic gets twisted, creativity ceases. deeper fulfillment comes by asking simple, yet potent, questions such as: what matters to me now? what makes me happy? what fulfills me now? with clarity about who you are, you can weather the storm." so i gotta figure out who the new me is, and what she wants and needs and how the hell to get back to living. previous - next