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simplicity and family took a little walk down memory lane tonight. see, my mother was away last weekend so i took the opportunity to raid the old house - i started just looking for pics to copy and add to my celebration collage, but then i started thinking about all the stuff my stepdad ever filmed, cause god a camera of some sort was always attached to his head. and so i rooted thru my mom's room a bit and found some footage that d had put on old school vhs and neatly labelled as he did so well. so i borrowed those and for some odd reason popped them into the vcr tonight. one was of the summer of 98 where i worked on long island as a naturalist - some crazy shit that i jumped into full heartedly yet with no background, and ended up loving it and gaining newfound strength within myself. another was of my high school graduation - fucking happiest time of my life, when i thought i had it all figured out, my whole future all decked out in pretty little blocks of time. another was of my grandparents' lake house and all the simplicity and beauty and fun of that place. that's what got to me the most watching the home movies - how simple life was back then. 17 years ago, 13 years ago, 11 years ago, these things happened that long ago but it feels like just yesterday. i can still feel the joy, the satisfaction, the happiness oozes off the screen. i had no inkling then of what was to come. and there was family in these pictures - my grandparents, my great-aunt and uncle, my aunt and uncle, my sister, my stepdad - all those who are now either gone or so far seperate from my life i can barely feel them. i'm really starting to feel like an orphan, like i have no family. i never realized how much i really did want and need one till now. i feel really alone, and that's really not what i need right now. |