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what is wrong with me? i have become my own worst fucking nightmare. i am just the prime example of self-fulfilling prophecy - too damn bad it's not for something positive. i am self-defeating myself all over the joint. the more i worry and stress about the worst case scenario happening, the more i create it. and the bitch of it is, once i slide into my mental disorder, however unwittingly and non-purposefully, i can't drag myself out of it, can't abort mission and head off or turn down or switch off the panic attack, the meltdown, the depression cloud, the worry storm. no, once i'm in it, i'm just full throttle ahead even as the pain and anguish become suffocating. i create this pain. what is wrong with me? why can i have good days, great days, like i've had and then have one like this? why can't i just maintain? why am i such a mess? i wish this would stop. i wish i could just be the old me. at least that girl had some equilibrium, some balance, some goddamn positivity and upbeat outlook on life. i am just a bug in a cup, climbing up the side one day, only to slide right back down into the bottom the next. when is this gonna get better? |