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my anger comes out as sadness 2009-04-22 4 11:06 p.m. so ironically the notion of giving up my oh-so-precious control to a legalized drug was the kick in the ass that helped me start taking the control back in my life. and i'm doing better. well, i had a string of 4 or so days of goodness and then i talked with my mother who told me she's getting rid of my stepdad's prized possessions lately, like his kayaks, and then i had some not so good days again. cause it just kills me to think of the things in my stepdad's life that he worked so hard for, that he loved so much, being shuffled off so quick for barely a buck. i do so much better when i don't talk to my mother and sister. when i live my life, i feel like i can keep going. when i talk to them, it just robs me of hope and motivation. my sister's all pissed that our family isn't a family anymore. she's trying to guilt me into talking to her more often cause that's what she needs right now. what about what i need? oh that's right - everybody thinks good ole aprilly doesn't have needs. my therapist actually said today she thinks i need my anger more than i need lexapro. cause i've repressed my anger so deep and so far that i've caused myself to be physically ill and mentally numb to it. my subconscious realizes its presence, yet my logical mind struggles to find it. "what do i have to be pissed at?" i wonder sometimes. but i am angry. and have been for a while. at my mother and sister for making me deal with their narcissism during my grief. at the universe for taking the only true father i ever had. at my situation in life, my jobless-ness, my current predicaments. and i wonder how much of the anger is directed at myself. i hear freud's quote in my head about depression being anger turned inward. how do you express anger which has been repressed and allowed to stagnant for so long? people talk about anger to me and it's all 'why don't you punch a pillow or scream or take a kickboxing class?' to me, anger is much more subdued and festering. it's not a crazy release of upset like the typical norm. and perhaps that's what's slowing me down. if it's not the usual definition of anger, how do i deal with it? previous - next