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how do i let things go and get what i want? 2009-04-28 4 11:42 p.m. i want someone to commit to me. to just say, 'yes, i'll be there for you - every tuesday we'll go walking, or every wednesday we'll hit the gym, or every friday we'll have drinks - and i'll be the support you need - i'll have the energy when you don't feel it, the motivation when you can't find it, the kick in the pants if that's what you want - yes yes yes - i'll do that for you.' i need that consistency of routine with someone else. i feel this committing thing is a common theme in my life - in fact, i think i've written an entry about this before. and no, the irony is not lost on me that i can hardly commit myself to someone else, yet i'm asking it of others... on other randomness, i've got therapy tomorrow and i've completely avoided even throwing a pondering thought along the way of the topic i should have been deeply contemplating the last two weeks - my repressed anger. it's just so goddamn deep that all i feel is exhausted whenever i think about digging it up. i've done such a bang-up job of convincing myself i don't have any anger, cause god knows everyone else around me had plenty enough of it to go around, that now i really can't find it in myself, even as i logically acknowledge its presence must be there. how do you let go of the repression for long enough to feel the emotion? and why is my anger so different? it's not raging, screaming, tearing out of control anger, but just a simmering numb pit of bitterness that i can't express. and i know it's festering inside me causing me more damage than i can feasibly imagine. previous - next