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i fucking hate grieving i spend a handful of hours with my mother yesterday and i'm fucking exhausted today. this is why i don't spend time with her. yet she broke down yesterday and said she felt like she was losing me like she's lost everyone else. i hate to tell her that if she had taken off the blinders years ago she would have realized she lost me a long time before this. yet i don't like seeing her cry when it's caused by me, never did. it's just that our conversations when we get together are always so rough. we talk about my stepdad, my grandmother, my cat - all the giant losses in life and it just saps everything from me so that today i can barely drag my ass off the couch. both my sister and my mother just want different things than me in their grief. i want time to be alone, to reclaim my life, to process my loss. they want constant companionship and phonecalls, and consistent time together. yet it makes me feel ill having to go over to my childhood house and see my mother making all those changes - getting rid of my stepdad's truck and his kayaks, hiring a handyman to finish all the projects my stepdad never got around to - it tears at a wound that is trying so hard to heal. but i have always been the spineless accommodater, so my mom says she feels like she's losing me and i recommend we do things together more often, take walks during the week, and plan outings for the summer, even though it kills me to be around her. now i have myself to be angry at, as well as her. |