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stress ball months one and two, i was just in a kind of numb denial-y haze. months three through five, i just plodded through the daily motions in a weepy puddle. as month six started though, i was feeling better, more alive, almost smug at how i was improving while those around were faltering, and now that karma has kicked me in the ass, cause the last few weeks have just been a bloody mess. my body is strewn with mystery ailments again - this time weird dizziness and nauseau (my hyphochondria streak screams swine flu). my paranoia about my jobless situation is reaching new high levels. my optimism is reaching new low levels. the negativity has seeped out and stressed out my car and my boyfriend, causing both to break down. and i'm back to wanting to sleep all the time. i hit the alarm off at 9am, roll back into snooze land for another 2.5 hours or so, then waste away the afternoon hours, feeling icky and over-tired, waiting for evening when friends and people are actually available to me. i have no energy to do anything to clean up my dump of a place and want to just sit and be a slug more days than not, yet as i sit about my place all i can think is about is how the smoke must be completely eating up what's left of my lungs and maybe that's why i have no energy. and why do birthdays bring people more stress than joy these days? i remember when you counted down the days till your bday as a kid, proudly proclaiming to everyone its arrival, and just rolling around in the ecstacy of its presence. i miss that. today birthdays bring misery, and more stress that i just don't want to deal with. |