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let me up, i've had enough part duh
2009-05-14
4 3:30 p.m.

so i'm angry. really fucking pissed off. finally. and i'm trying to express it so it doesn't fester and eat me up like it's always done in the past - trying to throw pillows and scream and cry and rage and listen to angry music. but the problem is - i have no one to direct my anger at. i'm pissed off with the universe. i'm so tired of being slighted, so tired of being screwed over, passed by and disregarded. i needed that job. everyone said there would be an opening next year. everyone said they wanted me. and now i learn they've only posted it internally and a few candidates from other schools have popped on the radar out of nowhere. if they like any of those people, they will never even post it externally. i will never even get a chance to show my pretty face there again and remind them how i worked my ass off for them for almost two years. i want so badly to go back to that school. i know i can do a good job there. i've just been hoping in the back of my mind that the stars will finally align for me instead of against me and i would get that job all set for next august, then i could just muddle through the next couple months somehow, knowing i would finally have some sense of stability and security.
now... fuck. i have no idea what i do now. i just wanna give up. why does nothing go right for me lately? i should be getting used to shit blowing up in my face, yet somehow i still end up standing there with a dumbass surprised look on my face when it all turns to hell. titus would not be proud: "screwed up people have been through some shit. we know that when we see the shit about to hit the fan - we step to the side of the fan." i have not been side-stepping; i have been standing here like an asshole just watching it come. i might as well just get a lame $9 an hour daycare job and plod along there for the rest of my life cause i'm never going to be a school couselor. after having to charge $460 bucks on a credit card that i won't be able to pay back in order to fix my car, i didn't think i could feel worse today. guess i jinxed myself. i feel worse.

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