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straight from therapy i've been short-circuited by my freedom. faced with a clean slate and such infinite possibility is overwhelming and paralyzing to me. i have realized - and actually let go of - my past identity, and acknowledged the things that were getting me nowhere, and truly accepted that perhaps living life through an unending to-do list like my stepdad is not the most fulfilling of lives, however now i have nothing but options and no one to tell me what to choose. i'm standing on an icy lake, tentatively skating a toe along the surface, feeling like it will break out from underneath me at any moment and plunge me into chilly darkness. and there is no one to throw me a lifeline. which ironically is what i need, what i wanted. i want to live my life on my own terms. i want to make my own decisions. it struck me today in therapy that i don't think i've ever truly made a choice on my own. i have always listened to the opinions of others, have always made the decision based on the greater good so to speak, have always done what's expected of me. and so of course this feels terrifying and somewhat wrong to look at my life and say, 'okay what choices will i make today? which path will i trod down? which direction appeals to me?' and that stirs up its own pot of terror, for i've spent the past 31 years of my life trying to convince myself i have no needs, no wants, no heart's desire because i knew my needs were never what mattered. and now that the switch has been in the off position so long, i hesitate to flip it on so carelessly. i fear that i have buried things too deep to ever hear their calling. yet my shrink assures me to have faith, that my heart knows what it wants and will help me find my way again, help me figure out who i truly am, instead of who i was, and instead of this empty blob i am now. |