newest older profile guestbook e-mail dgdesigns host

still waiting for an identity 2009-06-11 4 1:09 a.m. "this old familiar craving, i've been here before, this way of behaving, don't know who the hell i'm saving anymore, let it pass let it go let it leave, from the deepest place i grieve, this time i believe, and i let go, i can let go of it, though it takes all the strength in me, and all the world can see, i'm losing such a central part of me, i can let go of it, you know i mean it, you know that i mean it, i recognize how much i've lost but i cannot face the cost..." "i caught sight of my reflection, i caught it in the window, i saw the darkness in my heart, i saw the signs of my undoing, they had been there from the start, and the darkness still has work to do, the knotted cords untied ... at my request you take me in, in that tenderness i am floating away, no certainty, nothing to rely on, holding still, for a moment what a moment this is, oh for a moment of forgetting, a moment of bliss..." (peter gabriel) i feel like although my brain forgets at times, my body never does. it clamps and tightens and curls around the hole in my center, as if to protect itself, although it is way too late for that. my body is never happy, never light, never free anymore. i wonder if it ever will be again. i wonder if anything will ever be the same again. things that used to be my strengths are now my weaknesses. my compassionate and passionate ear who loved to listen to others' lives, my encouraging shoulders who so readily held others' problems when they were sagging under the weight, my persistent caretaker nature... the roles i thrived on... i have no energy for them anymore and what's worse is i feel like i no longer even want them. i have truly lost who i was. and i still have no clue who i want to be now. previous - next