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this is not going well my therapist says when i can feel my stepdad's presence in my heart and be grateful for his time in my life, however short it was, i'll feel like the world is a safer place again. d was always the first to say, "it's alright, honey, everything's going to work out okay" and give me a hug, even if he knew that was nothing but empty platitudes, he'd say it and i'd feel it, and i'd go out and do what i needed to do. i have none of that support, none of that strength to fall back on. and so i do nothing. because when i do tarry out to try and get my soul out there again, it gets punched in the head. allow me to be whiny bitch yet again and complain how shit just always goes wrong for me these days. i finally sucked it up and called my old school, the place which deep in the tiny still beating pieces of my heart i prayed would save me by offering me a job for next year, only to learn they had offered it to someone else... hear heart plummeting to feet... who ended up turning them down. well great. people tell me that's a good thing - that means i still have a shot - logically i understand this - mentally i feel like it's just a nail in my coffin, like i just don't have a chance in hell. and of course putting my feelings out there are probably gonna turn them into a negative self-fulfilling prophecy but fuck it. i talked to my friend b today, she's in the 'i just don't care anymore' mode with her depression. i almost wish i could get there, just cause it sounds easier, just to give in to the despair of shittyness. i pass package stores on the road these days and think about taking up alcholism, just to dull it all down a bit. then at least my pointless life would have a reason for its pointless-ness. if i were drunk all the time, of course i wouldn't have a job and of course i'd just sit around on my ass all day and complain and cry and bitch and be a mess. at least then there'd be an external reason to go with all the internal ones. but instead i just got me to blame. and i'm too tired to yell at myself. and i'm sure my stepdad's floating around the cosmos somewhere just annoyed as hell at me. |