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i hate nights like this 2009-06-22 4 2:22 a.m. i am haunted by death. it hits me unexpectedly, out of nowhere, knocking me off my feet, making me sob over song lyrics, or touching my stepdad's video camera, or hearing his name even when it's not about him, or going to the last restaurant i ever went to with him. i feel like i will never get over this. i can bring that day back fresh in my mind like it was moments ago, even though it was seven months ago to the day. i have dreams about my biological father now. i dream he's looking for me, searching for me, wanting to be with me. in truth, he doesn't care i lost my only true father figure. i continue to feel really alone and isolated. i've called all my long-distance friends a half dozen times. none of them return my phone calls. a few of them email weeks later to say they're so busy but they'll call me soon and then they never do. am i contagious? do people dread talking to me that much? can't stand asking how i'm doing? don't want to hear my grief that bad? and then even when i get to connect with them over some trivial medium like instant message, they ask more about how my mother's doing rather than how i am. this cuts me pretty deep. i'm not saying they have to listen to an hour long therapy session of mine, but after decades of friendship i had hoped they would care about my emotional well-being. but they don't. i find it impossible to stay positive in this light. i know i am putting nothing but bad mojo out into the atmosphere but i really struggle to find any silver shred on this dark dark cloud. everyone's deserted me. i don't know if i can do this anymore. previous - next