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i need death to not be at the door 2009-07-18 4 12:46 a.m. in my head i write my own sick version of my story being told on the next episode of "intervention"... around 2006, aprilly's family life began spiraling out of control as one family member after another came down with serious health issues, all of which she cared for dutifully during their illnesses. at age 30, aprilly's stepfather died suddenly. four months later, she was diagnosed with depression. a month after that she lost her job and became unemployed. cut to shots of me, high on some yet undetermined addiction, sacked out on my couch, a sobbing puddle of a mess, crying and bitching at the world's unfairness all day. of course no one would probably stage an intervention for me so the show will never take me. and i fear i'll have to add another sad story line to my mental fantasy soon: shortly after these tragedies, her biological father passed away after a long health battle of his own. aprilly hadn't seen or spoken to him in over 5 years. because today i just got an email from my stepmother saying she'd really like me to come out to FL for my dad's 65 birthday - and she can't leave it just as "it'd be great to see you" - no it's "your father isn't doing so well. the doctors never thought he'd make it past 2000 or see 60 and he's on oxygen every day you know." thanks. i needed that. at least my stepmother actually acknowledged my stepdad's passing - she said in about the second line that she was sorry, that she had just lost her own dad recently and she knew how that loss was hard basically. my father has yet to actually even comment about my stepdad's passing. my last two emails to him, i just kept mentioning it, hoping he'd respond somehow, say something to express his sympathy, but...nothing. this is why i don't stay in touch with my dad i think. it has never really felt like he cared all that much for me. nowadays i email him maybe once or twice a year. i haven't seen him in i can barely count back that many years. yet to think about him dying brings me to my knees. especially after losing my stepdad and realizing that there was so much i wish i had talked to him about when he was alive. to lose both father figures in such a short time with me having no peace between either of them... i don't know if i could survive that myself. as it stands right now, i can barely summon hopeful optimism about life and living. it just feels like everyone in my family, gets old, gets sick, and dies a horrible painful death - my grandmother, alzheimers; my stepdad, a stroke; my dad perhaps soon, alpha-1 disease; my cat for heaven's sake, a tumor on her spleen. why even bother living and loving if life ends so badly? and why do i have to watch it all deteriorate? i had to take my mother to the hospital for some tests the other day and i just can't handle seeing her in a hospital gown all hooked up to machines again. i don't want to see anyone else like that. i sickly think in the back of my head that if people who just hurry up and die that at least it'd be over - i could grieve and go on and not have to dread all this death and pain and dying so much anymore. yet i can barely handle one death, let alone a bunch, so i'm sure that wouldn't help much. i am just so tired of death. previous - next