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still dealing it sneaks up and blindsides me sometimes - the grief. i'm skimming along, thinking the worst is past, and then one day i'm driving, gazing at the sun and the blue skies full of tiny puffy clouds, and tears are streaming down my face again. this is why i hate having free time. of course i need this, need these off days to keep processing, but my brain rebels against that. my brain wants to just go back to the way things were - just surviving, not feeling, powering through life. my body and my heart knows that's not possible anymore. i'm so angry at no tangible thing - i just find it so ridiculously unfair that he gets gyped of this life, of his time on this earth. on a day when he would probably be out in a kayak or working in the yard, i just can't believe he's not here. and i keep wondering if his death is supposed to be some great lesson to me, to wake me up, to shake me out of this barely living life i've been having. and yet i continue to go along, taking life for granted. i know i need changes, but i continue to have no fucking clue how - or even what - to implement. |